i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
