my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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