It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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