I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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