i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
