I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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