Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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