I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
