She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
