My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm passing your future prison.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
