This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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