Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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