We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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