Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
