At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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