I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
