The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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