I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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