it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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