dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't turn off my feet"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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