She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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