If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
