She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
