Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
