You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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