you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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