You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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