need another drink. this is the easiest way
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
