Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
