Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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