I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
