i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
