If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
