I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
