the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
