If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
