You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
