I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
