The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
