so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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