East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
