He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
