apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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