Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
