I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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