Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
