Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
