just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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