Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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