I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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