Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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