Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
